After a ridiculous amount of texting, it gets down to, Sorry can't be bothered. Why not just say you were going to be else where from the start rather than get my hopes up? Now I have to either mail out the gifts, rather than hand them off, or say fuckit and they can all wait. I haven't seen anyone in what, a month or more 2-3 pending which person, so I was really looking forward to this. I may just opt for fuckit and wait till my next check.

I don't think I've ever been more thankful that I'm going to be at work all of the following week. And I can only pray I won't be talked at for the duration of the same week. May seems all too close. I don't think I will ever be ready for it.

Hopefully my mood will lighten up come the time I wake up.

My Xmas was both good and bad. My Mom spoiled me, and despite me not asking for anything, she got me DJ Hero. And a few cell phone charms. To bad my dumbass sister and father wanted to ruin what lil' good mood I had with a yelling fight of epic-ly stupid style shit. I was polite through the whole damn day. Even let my sister spend the night cause my Mom asked nicely, for Xmas eve. I wanted to kill her during the whole night, as no matter what I was doing she commented on every thing. And even jumped in on Sarahi's and my conversation like she knew what the fuck she was talking about. This was way too much personal space being invaded for me. So when Mom out the damn blue asks her if she wants to spend the night again. I quickly said no, she's going home that night. I'm tired of being talked at, asked about shit, and having to explain every fucking thing I'm doing. I've grown used to being alone. And I damn sure don't care for her company.

So I get yelled at by Dad who tells me it isn't my place to say if she can spend the night or not. Fucker it's my room and my bed. I think I have a say in who goes in there. Tells me that my bed is actually Elisha's bed and will always be her bed, and her room and I ain't got shit to say about it. Which lead to more pissed off words. Then Elisha's dumb ass goes and tells me that if I don't like it, I should have moved out by now. Rather than spend my money on conventions, magazines and dolls.

WTH?! Clearly the bitch doesn't know what I spend my money on. What I own as far as those things has taken me YEARS. This year was a surprising one where I managed to obtain 2 dolls thanks to layaway and buying from a local doll person. I give more than half my check to my Mom. What I do with the rest is my own damn business. And I'm staying here purely because my Mother needs me. I didn't bail out on my Mother like she did. And that means I get perks like buying purely luxury items, that boil down to fancy shit to look at. You can be jealous of that all you damn well please. But don't you dare tell me how to fucking spend my money when I know you haven't given Mom gas in the past month, and haven't paid your rent. But continue to order fast food and buy useless baubles.

But no it gets better than that bullshit. She goes as far as to say outloud, "She wouldn't do this to Kati!" Thankfully I chose to ignore that one. But seriously? FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF EVEN TRYING TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO KATI? You can't nor ever will be on the same level of the wonderful person she was. She was there for me so many times I loose count. Can I honestly get past one hand with the favors you've done for me, that haven't resulted in me later on getting fucked over due to me doing you a favor? Nope sure as fuck can't.

Now Dad is doing childish ass bullshit, like standing in my bed room and blowing smoke on my face. Waking me up, because WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I can't breathe. Trying to steal my keys, and get into arguments over whether it's too cold to let the dogs in for the night, trying to starts over nothing, and blaming me for anything that turns up broken. Because he's dubbed her the favorite child, because she "moved out" funny I see the woman every damn day and now Mom is stuck carting her around while she doesn't pay for the damn gas. Yeah, it's totally like she's moved out. All while gaining more and more weight and complaining about how she can't breathe. XI


I really won't be at ease till we move out of this house and into a better place. Away from Dad and further away from my sister. Who for some damn reason thinks she might be able to move in with us. ...Ummm, NO! If she moved in with us, we would make too much money for Section 8. And given how much my skin was crawling with what ended up being a 2 night stay, after I had to force a fucking apology from her. I'd say I'd end up killing the woman.

Urgh, I'm just going to go to bed. I hope I will feel better after some sleep.

So I was using the mass friend edit tool on LJ trying to delete the three bazillion communities I joined that....don't really actually matter to me, and it turns out I deleted some friends by accident.  If you get a notification that I added you, don't think I was trying to ignore you.  Bad Katie, don't use LJ mass edit tools when only half awake.

I'm...going to give it another go, at any rate.  All of it.

Sylvieroth (that's the pet cockatiel who is under loved), crocheting, my studies...

I'm going to jump in head first and see if it kills me.  If it does...well, point proved I suppose?

Chazz (that's a dear friend here in RL and online) is taking me out in January to buy me a corset.  That's my Christmas present but we both agreed on being frugal and hitting the after-Christmas sales rather than blowing more money than necessary.

I'm going to start dressing in clothes that look nice rather than whatever once I get it, and actually put some care and attention into my appearance.  Fake it till you make it, I suppose...

I'm going to pay more attention to my spending.  I've discovered that in this day and age of paying by card and six ATMs in the town centre alone...it's far too easy to get money out of the bank, and putting it away safely to accrue interest will only mean that it's spent via plastic.  My savings is going into a tin can with a tiny hole punched into it, where I can't get it out and spend it on just anything.  When my can starts getting to a point that it'd be worth protecting, though, I'll invest in a lockbox at the bank.  But the fact of the matter is it's just too easy to pull it out of an account.

Right now, there's three friends I've got that I'm really concerned about.  I...know I am a shit friend.  I probably always will be.  But there's three of you I think about on a daily basis, and three of you I think if I lost...I'd lose my fragile hold on the world.  That's...a lot of responsibility to put on your shoulders, and it's cruel of me to saddle you with it.  I am a selfish bitch.  You knew that already.

Especially you two I live with...

Things have been so tense at home lately, and the more tense it gets, the more I want to find what's causing the problem and end it.  I have a sickening feeling, though, that it might be...me.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, really, the more I worry that I'm the root cause of the problems, the more blind I become to anything -else- it might be, the more I =become= a problem.

So either way...I'm right.

Goes back to this rut of mine.  It's unpleasant, it's painful.  It hurts.   But...at least I was right.  Again.  As always.

I want you to know that I love you.  Even when you're roaring mad at me.  I probably deserve it.  Just...remember to remind me that you're still my friends at the end of it all?  I'm fragile right now.  And...I'm lost.

I'm trying so hard to pull myself together...it's my problem, not yours.  I should be helping to support you, and...right now I can't.  But for what it's worth...whatever's going on...we can go through it all together?

I love you guys.  Fucked in the head as I am...clingy, co-dependent as I am...I love you guys.

I think...I'm going to take this year to go for who I am.  Not...for your expectations of me, not for what you might want me to do, and...that's more frightening than anything else.  People leave when I don't go out of my way to please them, and...I don't want to lose you.  But it feels like trying too hard to be what you want is frustrating you.

Life imitates art, it seems RCA is coming back to roost as I have to do Becca's bit of figuring myself out before I can really focus on anyone else.

And I'm going to have to do that for myself, not for you.  And...I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you.

I'm scared...and I know I'm pathetic.

Just...let me know I've still got you?

It's been forever and a day since I wrote in this.  Longer since I actually checked my friends page.

I bet most of you guys think I forgot about you.

Or stopped caring.

Perhaps...I did.

Not because I stopped caring about you guys, but because I stopped caring about myself.  Why update an LJ about someone whose life is...fundamentally...not worth telling about?

So much has changed since I last spoke to most of you...my location, my employment, my relationship status...frankly...I don't feel like listing it all off again.  Especially because a lot of those changes would provoke a "Why's that?" response and...I don't want to go into it.  It happened.  I've been inactive for...fuck I think a whole year.  Condensing that whole year, especially -this- year into a single "update"...I don't think that works.

But I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late, especially lately, and my thoughts strayed to you guys.  I thought I'd drop in and say hello, see if I still deserve a bit of friendship after leaving you guys for so long.

I want to kick off this rant/bit of soul searching with one important point.
I am not actually suicidal.  I lived through that phase of my life, and don't need to revisit it.
Like many philosophical minds, though, the thought has crossed my mind in a more hypothetical sense, and I figured I would treat you all to my thoughts on it.

I have floated through my life with very few dreams and aspirations.  Anything I wish to do with myself has been a sort of "That's nice...if I could be bothered..." feeling.  Altogether...I don't really care at all, though.  About...much of anything.

Except for the friends I make during my aimless little float through life.

I don't have the motivational drive to do much of anything.  I have the power within me to do just about anything.  I have two or three good novels sitting up in my brain...and I can't push them out onto paper.  I've been playing violin for HOW many years, and I can't get above 'passable' because I can't be bothered to work at it.  I have ideas for businesses to open and run....and I can't make myself care.  I'm unsatisfied with my level of physical fitness, and...I can't make myself do anything about it.

If it weren't for the people that care about me, realistically, I would see nothing wrong with ending it.  I do nothing, I produce nothing, I have no aspirations.  It's not that I don't like the world--there are things I quite love here.  I have a hobby (admittedly a bit of an all-consuming one) that I enjoy, I have things I enjoy doing.  It's not like I'm unhappy.

But I contribute nothing.  I do nothing with my life.  I've been given this amazing brain, this vast intelligence no, I'm not arrogant, why do you ask?, and I've done nothing with it.  Nor...do I really want to.

I'm happy putting £10 a week into a tin can and otherwise blowing all of my money on bills and crap.

Most importantly...  I think I'm happy with my unhappiness.

This rut is so deep, I can't see the sky for how high the walls around me are.  And most importantly, I don't mind being here any more.  I know every nook and cranny of the dirt around me, and I can smile fondly at it and remember when I first dug myself in here.

Pathetic, isn't it?

My friends, my friends, I really do want you to know that I care about you.  I love each of you, deeply.  Even if I'm absolutely terrible about showing it.

But you see...I don't want to leave my rut.  So I push you away, constantly.

And there comes a point where even you dear souls are pushed past the point of patience.  It's easier to leave me in my rut.

I've been here too long to want to leave it any more.

I love you guys, I want to make you proud.  So when you reach down and try to pull me out, I'll give it a good go.  I'll try to climb up after you, just like you want me to.  But...

I don't like it out there.

I have to care out there.

I have to -do- something out there.

I don't want to change.

I'm happy with my unhappiness.  I don't know how to reach out for more any more.

Let me introduce myself to you.  I am lazy.  I am arrogant about my intelligence, and actually about a lot of my abilities.  Not enough to be bothered to develop them any better than they already are.

I either love things or I hate them, and there's rarely an inbetween.  I can do both, and frequently do.  About just about everything.  Good luck trying to figure out which it will be on a given day...you never will and neither will I.

Which brings me back around to what started this whole thought tangent.

If I were a product...I'd take me back for being defective.  There's obviously something fundamentally missing in here if this is how I feel about the world.

Sometimes, it's more appropriate to cut ties and start over.  This one's fucked guys, I think it's time to give up on it and start again.

But I can't do that...because I care about you guys.  Not because I particularly need to stay here, not because I have anything I want to accomplish, but because the only thing really tying me to the world is...

You.

My friends.

You're all I really -care- about.  You're the only bits of my life I'm actually willing to fight for.  Even if the day-to-day stuff is where it really matters and I totally fail at that.

I take you for granted.  I say nothing to you except for when I want to talk about something that -I- want to talk about.  And then I get surprised when you eventually leave.  It upsets me, because I -do- care about you.  I just...can't show it.  I don't know how, I don't know why not, I just...can't.

If you give me some warning that I'm pushing you that far, I'll explode into a flurry of activity, trying to make up for what I've done wrong, thinking of anything at all I could do to keep you by me.  Because...you're all that I have that matters.

And then once I've bought a little bit more of your time and attention...I go right back to how I was to begin with.  Some friend I am, huh?

I don't deserve you guys.

And yet for some reason...I have you anyway.  You stay with me anyway.  You believe in me, you care about me.

And I don't even know how to say thank you for it.

I'm so far in this rut...you can't reach me any more.

And yet looking up at your smiling faces...at least it keeps me in my rut instead of going out to do something truly stupid.

I love you guys.  I hope you know that, even if I do only remember to say it when something serious is going on.

Eventually. >8D *SLAPPED* Nah, I'm going to watch STAND UP!! because I need to see the entire series. Need it.

~I'LL FACE MYSELF~

Here is my temporary address. :D Also, Nana got me this phrasebook and she helped me figure out how to put Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Spanish on here finally.

I've already started to spam Twitter with Chinese but... XD;; I'm sorry! I'm so excited using this...

我要买 Making Out In Chinese.

8D

/stops spamming.

• 02:30 Heard 'You're the Voice' playing in the other room & got just a little excited because that song = Merlin (behind the scenes) to me. #
• 02:31 Sadly, it was just playing on Hot Rod XD #
• 02:40 OMFG Showed my sister the part of Secrets & Magic where Colin & Bradley are singing to aforementioned song. Her reaction? #
• 02:40 "Damn, those are some hot larpers." *dies laughing* I forgot to mention that it was, you know, from a show XD #

I'm sorry guys, once again, for not updating as much as I said I was going to. I've mentioned I was going to be extremely busy because of my work schedule and plus, I miss Chu. I know he has been gone for barely a week (he left on the 23rd and won't be back to Arizona till the 11th) but he left for Hong Kong yesterday and I won't know if he made it there okay until he goes back to Jersey on the 9th. I know that sounds paranoid but I can't help it. T_T I'm just worried. (It didn't help that I almost cried a little on my way to work yesterday too.)

I've also felt a bit off since he left too. I've been angrier more lately or getting annoyed quicker. I don't know. But anyway, I'll go ahead and say right now that I'm sorry if my posts about him are annoying you. I'll try to stop talking about him as much (even though it'll be hard for 13 12 days besides the fact that I miss him so much). I don't want to seem like I'm bragging and I don't want people to be angry with me because of it.

Anyway. My Christmas was nice, even though it was the very first one without my actual family. Right now I'm staying with Nana for a few weeks. I asked her mom if it was okay to have mail sent to me so I'll put up her address when I have time/remember to. I doubt anyone wants to still send me anything but...whatever.

Oh, before Chu left, we saw Avatar. Not in 3D but in the regular theaters (plus even though it was a Tuesday night, the IMAX theater was long as hell), and I'll sum it in a few words:

It's called Cornenic by Catherine Fisher. Just FYI.

• 20:45 @DieAnanas I SAW IT. OMFG. #
• 20:46 @riverdresses Are you going to be on aim tonight? I really need to talk to you D: #
• 20:50 @DieAnanas I WAS SURPRISINGLY PLEASE OMFG. Except for a few things. WTF Rocket!Master? #
• 21:00 @DieAnanas It was like...GREAT scene, I was leaning in and everything and then...."ok, that was random and unnecessary"... :/ #
• 21:26 By the way, I thought the End of Time was going to be a three-parter. Is this wrong? #doctorwho #

REALLY BIG SUPRISE: I liked it!

No, it wasn't oerfect at all, but after all the let downs of the last couple of specials and the completely out of characterness of the Doctor, I found that somehow this episode was...well...an episode of Doctor Who. And honestly, after the last year of being disappointed in what we've been given (ever since Donna was screwed over) that felt REALLY DAMN GOOD.

So, Pros and Cons.

( Cut for your protection )

So, in fact, I'm really looking forward to the next episode. AND I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT ♥

• 19:12 I'm a little tired of having to fight against mom to come to midnight mass. It's irritating. Just come, get it over with, the end, you know? #
• 19:30 Dear Universe, how come both @OblivionJones and @wilw mentioned fudge within two minutes of each other? Did I miss something? Was it yummy? #
• 19:30 Aw well, I'm making brownies, so screw the fudge. #

• 18:54 @ClassicJules I'm your friend & I'm not illiterate! D: I am ill, though, but that's not the same thing. #
• 18:57 Speaking of which, I want to go to the library and get some books. But I bet they're closed tomorrow XD #

• 21:29 The Camelot knightss are like the Red Shirts of Merlin XD #

This is what happens when you do a marathon of Merlin while sitting next to your whiteboard.

( You are a prat. Seriously. )

Arthur is listing off all of Merlin's chores. It's very long XD

The cut off part with the dragon has him looking at a tiny stick person and saying "You know I could eat you, right?".

At first I thought Colin Morgan had a really strange, displeasing looking face. But the nice thing about drawing someone is you start focusing on details and realizing that, even if unconventional, there's always something about someone that is attractive. His bone structure is really interesting. As weird and morbid as it sounds, I'd really love to see his skull. But just, you know, an x-ray or something, not the actual thing...

Something I've known since I was a freshman in highschool.
It doesn't matter that they raised you and sacrificed a great deal so you could be happy. They are human, they will act selfishly. Do and say things that will hurt you, themselves or others. They aren't gods, they are as human as you are. If anything more weak. As they decided to keep you living for whatever reason they did.

Sadly this was the only thing that kept me from killing my dad and a few other "adults" when I was younger.
I fucking hate the holiday season.

Oh yeah.

• 06:10 Merlin (show) = pretty cool. Merlin (bird) = awesome. Merlin (actual mythical figure) = KICK ASS GQMF OF THE CLASSICAL KIND. #
• 06:10 However, sore throat that won't let me sleep? = fail. #